I'm not the...

kiss, a simple kiss
you tease me with, your crimson lips
your laughter shows me where i've gone astray

So i woke this morning to my mother crying because she can't get a new car, and no one in the rest of the family will help her. They don't understand the way her life is... and all i can do is sit here and try to help the best i can.

But honestly, i am so tired, and so lonely, and i need to do things for me. Not to sound selfish, and really, if you don't know me, this will... but when will someone else do things for me?

A scenario was presented before me the other day, and it was honestly the best thing i could ever dream of, but all it was was an idle thought, something that will never come to fruition, and that kills me inside. I want to be able to surrender to what is, and what is to be. I want to live and let live. But why is it that in all of this, i am last? Why can't my happiness be as important to me as everyone else's? Why can't my happiness be as important to anyone, as everyone else's?

This will make all of you twelve steppers laugh, at least those of you that get it...  I am listening to "Thirteenth Step" by A Perfect Circle.  It should be helping, but it isn't. 

God damn me.  I am not asking for that much, i never would do that.  I say these words now like it will help, like she will read them and change her mind...  She won't even read this, so fuck it.  Honestly, i am so glad she is happy.  What should i even do?  I am never going to be happy with things as they are. 

No one knows how badly i want to just get fucked up and never return.  Never once have i ever given in to that, but i need to find a way to change how i feel.  I need to find a way to make it through or to end it quickly. 

I begged for help in a txt to her earlier.  The funny thing is, her phone is off for the weekend, so she can't hear me.  How fucking lame am i?  I am reaching out in all directions hoping someone will care.  You know, i don't think anyone ever will again, if they ever did.  The thing is, i know she cares.  I know it... and that makes me feel good...  Yet, come the end of the day, i want the little things that make me feel better and i don't care how that effects anyone else.  I want what i want for me and i couldn't care less about anything else right now. 

A friend of mine is in the hospital.  I won't talk about it, but my thoughts are with him.

I don't really have a good resolution for this post, because i don't think anything will get any better... so i am just going to go.

~